i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
