My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
