oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Randomize
