I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
is wine microwaveable?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
