Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
i drank out of a bidet.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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