She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
is wine microwaveable?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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