Don't you send me to vm
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Randomize
