i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
