Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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