No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
