I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
