He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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