my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
