Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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