i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I was able to overlook the Affliction tee until he took it off and there was another tattooed on his body.
Was it at least attractive minus the Gargoyles or skulls... or whatever affliction is putting out these days?
Even a greek god couldn't pull it off. Told him I like Ed Hardy Better. Death Before Dishonor, baby. I'm sure it was a painful blow. hopefully he understands sarcasm.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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