I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize