My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
