Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize