At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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