dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
