i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
