Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
please come you make the beer taste better
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
