I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
The Olympian is in my bed
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
