so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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