I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
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