she takes plan B like it's going out of style
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
