apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
