Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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