It's Friday. Sex?
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
