He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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