Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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