she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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