My Higher Power is John Stamos
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
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