the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
