no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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