We're like a lot better than the average bears
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
