and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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