My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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