I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
false alarm. still invincible.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
