He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
