this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
