Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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