i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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