there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
