well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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