biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
