Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Randomize
