I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
