so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
