There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize