it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
