Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
