Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
