God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
