I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
