Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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