I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
It's never too late to be topless.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
