he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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