Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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