you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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