Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
