She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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