Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
