I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
this beer tastes like vomit already
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Randomize
