I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I am one with the molecules
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
